A NEW YEAR!!!

Hi there guys.

Well i'm in my new house now! Been here since April actually and despite nearly getting evicted within a fortnight, things are panning out quite nicely. The house is bigger and on a nice, quiet street. Its my own little corner of the world, away from the midnight drunken rants of hubby to stress me out. I have my own freedom here but he's here a lot of the time and we still need to make that final break. I think that 2009 will be a difficult one for us doing that, but we have someone interested in the house again so hopefully that will work out. The last guy who was going to buy it pulled out. Right at the last minute too.

Work is going ok I guess. I love it where I am but I am now shipped out 2 days a week to a secondary school to teach year 10 students. I am not happy when I go there. I'm teaching students who are so spoilt and demotivated. Its soul destroying to be honest. And I dont wanna have my soul destroyed, thank you very much! Its mine to do as I please with and I wholely wish to trade it for some miraculous, freakish miracle someday. So you little bastards leave it well alone!

As for the 'love issue' thing I was rambling over in my last few post. Well...OMG....did HE turn out to be a total freak or what. I mean totally emotionally redundant isnt in it. I have never felt so freakin unwanted by a man in my life. Sod that. If I wanna be made to feel like shit i'd get paid for it. So anyway I knocked him on the head for good after a few futile and disturbing reconciliations.

I'm sure though that one day soon i'll be reading in the news about the body parts he had stored under his bed; and the necklace he made out of womens tongues that he would store in the fridge and wear on special cannibalistic occasions. I will then breathe a sigh of relief at what a lucky escape I made, and then sell my story to the papers. I will then live a life of reilly with the proceeds, track down the whereabouts of Axl Rose and living happilly ever after in the lap of luxery. Until then, I will get by - as people do!

So have I made any resolutions? Of course I have because i'd have none to break if I didnt. Ok:

I am going to update this blog at least once a week

I am going to get fitter, do exercise that actually makes me sweat without my central heating being on.

I am going to lose half a stone by my birthday and keep it off all year.

I AM AM AM AM going to write a novel!! (This is a defo!)

I am going to treat myself to some new clothes so I dont look like a bag lady anymore

Get new hair

I'm not going to go out and instead am going to spend most weekend evenings with my kids. QT time, not just telly watching

I will limit the amount of cheese and crackers I have

I will take my steamer and blender out of the cupboard

I will learn 1 new recipe each week (I have 2 to catch up on)

I will no a lot of self exploration types thingies

I will keep a tidy house

erm.... I have more but its really late (1.22pm)and I have to get some sleep!!!

...oh theres another one

I will go to bed early.

Moving on...

Well April is gonna be the month that everything changes for me - what a summer I have ahead of me. I am moving into my new house on the 1st April - I have had enough of living under the same roof as my soon-to-be-ex-husband and I need the money from my house, quite frankly, so i'm selling up.

Once I have the money I can pay all of my debts off and buy the equipment that I need to go out singing to earn some extra cash. I will also have the money to divorce his ass - because apparently I earn to much to get any legal aid for it! Yea whatever - I have nothing left at the end of each month so go figure..

I am also going to do the Bullrun in summer with my friend, Chryss - hopefully! but i'll blog separately about that.

Then, in October, I am starting a history degree through the OU to help me with the writing that I want to do and it will also enable me to teach history. Hopefully I can retrain to work in primary then.

Also, I am going to focus completely on my kids - and get men out of the equation completely. The latest relationship I have been involved in showed me that I am just as vunerable now as I was at any other point in my life. I havent toughened up at all and get hurt so very easilly because I give my heart too quickly. Therefore, i just cant afford to let myself get involved until i'm back on my feet.

I am gutted about the last one turned out though...because I thought it could have been something 'special'. But thats just me. I think everything could be a fairytale and then get real hurt when I discover that the reality is nothing like whats happening on my little cloud.

Knowing that doesnt help to get him outta my head though.

Oh well. I just need to throw myself into my work, my house and my kids to make the things that matter the best that they possibly could be.

Over

For now.

Maybe in a few months the rebound will be over for him, all will be healed and he'll be thinking clearly.

As it stands now, I am filling gaps, I think. Maybe i'm not, but its how I feel.

And I aint here to fill gaps.

It hurts like hell and I may be 'cutting my nose off to spite my face' so to speak.....and maybe life is too short to refuse when the thing that currently fills your every waking minute is there on a plate.

Maybe.

But life is also too short to put myself through witnessing the dark shadows that haunt his eyes at every repition of her fuckin' name.

..and so we danced...though it was only a slow dance...

What a wonderful Valentines day I had. I recieved a gift from a person I desparately wanted to get a gift one from - and a fleeting, whispered declaration of love to go with it. Knocked my socks off quite frankly.

I make promises to myself about being just good friends, taking it slowly and how i'm not ready for romance ...but when i'm with him, its not the same situation. Suddenly I dont remember the rules anymore.

And yes, the words I write are kinda adapted from Billy Joels 'This Night'. Gotta love this song. One of the best he ever wrote (alongside 'Just the way you are') - and my God how fitting for me right now.

Ignore the cheesy vid. The song is the reason its in this post. Enjoy.

"You think i'm going to hurt you, don't you?"

What am I supposed to say to that?

Well I know I should have said

"Oh no dont' worry about that. I'm not going there getting emotionally involved anyway. Bite me"

- but really I felt like saying

"Well actually, yes. I mean I know we have only been seeing each other for the tinyest amount of time - but yes. You do indeed already hold the power to rip out and destroy my stupid, juvenile, fickle heart with a mere movement of your eyes"

In fact I simply said

"Well...er....no. I dont think that"

Fucks sake

*sigh*

Advice

Don't drink too much of a man that so wonderfully quenches your thirst...

You'll only get drunk and make a fool of yourself

Life Appreciation

hey there all my avid readers..

*looks slowly from side to side, squinting into the distance*

ahem, okay

Well...what have I been up to? I hear you shriek with unabated impatience. Well not much and yet so much if that makes sense. The routine I follow is pretty much monotonous. It consists of work, kids and homely duties. However, within all this monotony, I find chaos surrounding my every move. Yep, only I could create such havoc in the midst of what should be a pretty mundane existance.

Actually, strike that - i'm not being fair there to other women in my shoes - or to myself come to that (changes title of post)

I have a good and exciting life actually, compared to many. I have a job where any two days are never the same and I work with a great bunch of supportive and extremely unassuming, funny individuals. I have three beautiful children who simply do not give me the time to get bored even if I wanted to. They always have something new to share with me and they are amazing to watch and to be around (albeit tiring!). I also have good, solid friendships and a Mommy that loves me.

I have been quite busy lately in terms of going out, too. I went to see SAW IV last Friday with my sister - awesome it was, too - but i'll blog about it at a later date. Then I went to a halloween party at my mums house on saturday - which was an excellent night that consisted of us all watching the 100 cheesiest pop songs on The Hits (whilst dressed at witches and ghoulish ghouls of sorts) and rockin' out to the likes of young Kylie, the Cheeky Girls, Spice Girls and Bucks Fizz.

I kids you not.

We rocked to Bucks Fizz.

I felt quite old that night actually. Not only was I in my element connecting with all the 80s tracks that were played - but I was totally out of touch with the noise that my sisters were listening to in the next room. As I heard the words 'What is this crap?' fall from my lips - I cringed openly. As if those very words were some kind of lament to the big '30' that is looming towards me. Close enough to the point where I can see and feel it changing me all to quickly. Oh well. Maybe the changes in me will be for the better.

On a slightly negative note, I am still going to get a divorce - but the whole thing is going to be a longer and more painful process than what I ever thought it was going to be. My hubby wants half of everything. He aint having it. Thats the short and curly of it right now - so it looks like most of our monies are going to be sucked up by solicitors anyway. But I dont care - as long as I have a roof over my head and health and my kids, i'll be cool.

Work is going well although I have been struggling through it feeling poorly for a while (ya know - that 'thing' whats goin' around). I am hoping to plan my time more effectively though so I can get stuck into this writing course that I wish to do. I want to write Medieval Romance Novels eventually.

Yup another thing on my 'to do' list. Medieval Romance Novels.

Bite me.

Accident, Great Loss Or Tragedy?

President George Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.

"No", says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr.& Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."