I have finally realised whats it all about. Social pressure makes us think that we have to grow up. But I have finally figured out that maybe you don’t have to – and in fact, maybe one never truly does. Maybe this is not the case for everyone, but it certainly is the case for me and many other people like me.
This is applicable to every area of my life. Take my career for example – or the path that I chose to take (in general). Now at school, I had no idea of what I wanted to do really. Then, as I fell pregnant I decided I simply had to go back to college to look after by baby – but I still didn’t really know what I wanted to do. I then found a mild interest in psychology but still didn’t really know exactly what I wanted to do!! Anyway, I did my degree in that, thinking that study would offer me some clarification as to the area or group of people that I wanted to work with.
Nope. It didn’t.
Then I did my teaching qualification, deciding that deep down, teaching was what I always wanted to do *rolls eyes*. So I trained to work in the post 16 sector – and then decide it isn’t for me. I want to work in a primary school. Then I decide I wanted to do play therapy with abused children and become an Educational psychologist. Then I decide I want to do a masters degree and PHd in Applied Behaviour Analysis.
I also have dreams of singing, becoming a property developer, owning my own bar and writing a novel – maybe doing some freelance journalism. Raising your eyebrows?? Exactly. I am nearly 30 now and still have dynamic and ever changing dreams, goals and aspirations. I thought that I would be well on my way in my chosen field by now – but I seem to get further from it each time a new thought pops into my head! I mean whats wrong with me? Why cant I decide?
So now we come to where I live. One minute I want to stay here and decide this country is the best thing since sliced bread. Then I want to immigrate to Canada with my friend hazel; then I want to move to Wales and live in the countryside – then I decide I want to be near the sea in Wales instead. Then I decide I want to move to America. I think I would like New York all that wonderful city buzz going on - then I think no, I would fit in much better in California with all the shiny happy people. Then I decide I want to live like Forest Gump on a huge Ranch in Alabama.
You see my problem?? I can’t decide on anything and have completely no sense of direction as to where I want my path to lead next. One minute my dreams seem all to be obtainable – the next minute, they all seem sickeningly out of my grasp. Now we all have dreams and for many people, of course, they may never come true. But hell if you believe that, where is that going to get you?? You have to throw caution to the wind and take a chance sometimes right? The problem is I have to decide which of my dreams means the most to me and take a chance on that one. Put all of my energy into it. I know that I cant possibly do everything. Maybe I should narrow it down to, like, 5 goals or something.
As for men….well….men are a whole other issue. I strongly feel that my relationships over the years have both enriched me as a person and jaded me, also. Like they do with anyone I guess. I just think that my particular relationships have been more highly volatile, dramatic and intense than what most people may experience. Maybe I make them that way? Or maybe I just navigate towards ‘intense’ men? I admit I thrive on passionate relationships, relationships that make me feel alive. I don’t want them to stagnate and always try to make sure that they don’t. However, shouldn’t I want stagnation now? I have 3 kids and am hitting 30 (well in two years) – shouldn’t I want a calm, straightforward relationship without complexity? Someone I can just spend time with, enjoy that company and wake up with a smile on my face? Isn’t that what you should want when you ‘grow-up’?
Well no its not. Alas I keep making the same decisions when it comes to men. I still want passion. I don’t mind a good argument because the making up is always so intense (well depending on what you’ve argued about). The only thing I have come to understand truly about relationships is that there has to be a meeting of the minds. I know that, but I can’t seem to ‘get it’. Someone once said (I think it was Shakespeare) ‘Love does not consist of gazing at each other – but looking together in the same direction’. Now that all sounds very nice, I’m sure – and in my head, I do get the logic. But my heart rules my head far too much for my gaze ever to be torn away from someone who makes me ‘gaze’ at them. My head will tell me ‘no this isn’t right’ or ‘that isn’t right’ – but do I listen??
Nope. Not a chance.
The thing is, it DOES take a lot for me to feel amorous towards someone, but when I fall, I do it hook, line and sinker. Despite what my past has taught me! I’m still very childlike in this. I wonder how many more women are like me? Maybe I’m expecting too much of myself at 28 years old – but I would have expected a little more ability by now to control my emotions by now!
One thing I am much more in control of, though, is my actions – regarding my dreams and men. I have developed a great ability to battle through the emotions running inside of me and to just ‘get on with it’. I have too much going on in my life right now to let anything distract me or get me down. I can’t let that happen because soon I’ll be a single mother working full-time with three kids to look after.
Hey. Maybe all this is just due to the fact that I have recently become distinctly aware of my age. I have reached a reflective crossroads I think. At nearly 30, I am in limbo -between mourning my past and envisaging my future. I guess its because my past is so rich with emotive memories; and my future is so uncertain. All I can hope to do is the same as anyone can hope to do….to live each day as it comes. I’ll do my best to achieve what I want to achieve; to get the things I want and be where I want to be.
I’m determined not to dwell on things anymore. I mean I have three beautiful children who need me more than ever – and I need to be strong for them and be good role model for them, too. So that is exactly what I am going to concentrate on. I mean to everybody else in the world, I am just another person, right? Yes people may love me, want me, need me – or even just ‘like’ me…..but in general, to everyone else, I am perfectly replaceable. To my children I am not. To them, I am irreplaceable. I know this and respect that it is my status in their eyes what makes me special in this world.
So I pick myself up and move on, as always. Because, after all, tomorrow….is just another day.
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